It's Not About the Stuff

It’s Not About The Stuff – 5 Reasons Why People Hoard

..Posted on September 16, 2013 by Ellen Limes at http://www.organizedbyl.com/blog/?p=112

It's not about the stuff at all. The "stuff" is just a manifestation of stopped-up feelings.

Like feeling not worthy, not loveable, not good enough, inadequate, inferior. No one cares about me but my stuff is always there for me. It won't leave me. It won't reject me. – excerpt from http://heathersgreatcat.hubpages.com/hub/Five-Ways-to-Help-A-Compulsive-Hoarder

People hoard to fill emotional voids. It’s not about the stuff – it’s about what’s going on with them on a personal level. Here are 5 reasons why people hoard:

1) Loneliness. Hoarders surround themselves with things to fill the empty space around them so they don’t feel as isolated. Stand in an empty, quiet room and then stand in a room full of furniture with a chiming clock, interesting knick knacks, pictures and books, and you’ll FEEL the difference of the space. Unfortunately, instead of making the home warm, inviting and cozy, the home becomes so crowded it becomes a non-functioning space. People can’t sit on the couches, people aren’t invited over because of the embarrassment of the mess, friends and family threaten to stop coming over until the hoarder cleans up their space, etc. I help clients take back their space while making it warm and inviting again.

2) Impoverished. For those who grew up during the Depression, grew up in poverty or had “penny pinching parents,” buying things can be very powerful therapy – until the retail shopping causes more damage than good. These type of hoarders love to bargain shop, buy in bulk, and always have multiples of everything.

3) Grief/Loss. This is probably the biggest reason why people hoard. Has the hoarder lost someone very close to them – a parent, partner, child, or even a family pet? It doesn’t have to be death – divorce, job loss, retirement and more are all reasons to grieve. Grief is a very serious transition that we must all go through, and some people

4) Memory. Many hoarders feel they need to keep things so they don’t forget about someone or a special event. They feel they will forget the person or occurrence if they don’t have the item to remind them. I give suggestions like taking pictures of the items to keep in the “Memory Box/Treasure Trunk” and donating the items to a good home where they will be used, loved and appreciated. I also suggest hugging that favorite old t-shirt goodbye before donating it to a good home to ease the transition process, and I also recommend calling the person you’ve been missing and have a long catch-up conversation. If they’ve passed on, write the deceased a letter or talk to them in your own special way.

5) Rescue Mentality, Commonly from Abuse/Neglect. People will also hoard when they’ve been abused/neglected. Because they were rejected and tossed aside and not taken care of, they rescue items in an effort to rescue themselves. They don’t want to see things go in the landfill, never to be used or cherished. They “might need it one day,” so they hold onto it. I help clients see that instead of that cup sitting in a corner collecting dust for 6 years, they can donate the cup and give it a good home. The cup is not serving its purpose if it’s not being used/cherished/valued so give it a chance to be useful.

– Excerpted from Kiera Rain So basically, Hoarding is being used as a coping mechanism to deal with these and possibly other emotional situations. Coping occurs in response to psychological stress—usually triggered by changes—in an effort to maintain mental health and emotional well-being. Life stressors are often described as negative events (the death of a loved one, loss of a job, divorce, etc.); however, positive changes in life (marriage, birth, moving, a new job, etc.) can also constitute life stressors, thus requiring the use of coping skills to adapt. Coping strategies are the behaviors, thoughts, and emotions that you use to adjust to the changes that occur in your life.

There are many coping styles that people use, and some may prove more effective than others, depending on the nature of the stressful situation and the person who is employing them. Ineffective coping mechanisms, also referred to as maladaptive coping (including hoarding), may also be applied to stressful events or internal conflict, often unconsciously. Maladaptive coping mechanisms (like hoarding) are counterproductive.

Positive coping strategies are any actions you take to manage and reduce stress in your life, in a way that isn’t going to be harmful or detrimental in the long term. People who use positive strategies are not only better able to tackle challenges and bounce back from tough times, but they are also much happier.

Positive coping strategies are any actions you take to manage and reduce stress in your life, in a way that isn’t going to be harmful or detrimental in the long term. People who use positive strategies are not only better able to tackle challenges and bounce back from tough times, but they are also much happier. A mega list of coping strategies
 * Turn to someone you trust / Talk it out. It can be a relief to share your thoughts with someone else, and it can be good to work through problems with the help of another person.
 * Seeking support. Asking for help, or finding emotional support from family members or friends, can be an effective way of maintaining emotional health during a stressful period. (or our Support Group!)
 * Venting. An externalizing coping technique, venting is the outward expression of emotions, usually in the company of friends or family. In moderation it can be healthy; however, ruminating on the negative can lead to strained relationships over time. * Write it all down / Journal to express thoughts and emotions. Keeping a notebook handy for you to scribble your thoughts in whenever you feel like it can be a great way of expressing yourself. You may find it helpful to write about what is worrying you, or express yourself in a more creative way.
 * Set aside regular time for yourself. Even if it’s just ten minutes of ‘you’ time, taking some space for yourself where you turn off your phone, spend time alone, exercise, meditate, or listen to music can really prepare you for tackling stress or challenges.
 * Relax, man. Relaxation is a great way to refocus your thoughts, particularly when things are becoming a bit overwhelming. Engaging in relaxing activities, or practicing calming techniques, can help to manage stress and improve overall coping.
 * Physical recreation. Regular exercise, such as running, or team sports, is a good way to handle the stress of given situation. This may involve yoga, meditating, progressive muscle relaxation, among other techniques of relaxation.
 * Reduce your load. Sometimes you just have to accept that you can’t do everything. Keep track of your schedule and how you feel each day, and working out your optimal level of activity. You should be busy, entertained, and challenged, without feeling overwhelmed.
 * Humor. Pointing out the amusing aspects of the problem at hand, or "positive reframing," is thought to help deal with small failures.
 * Consider the big picture. When you’re going through a stressful situation, ask yourself these two questions. ‘How important is this?’ and ‘will it matter in the long run?’ If you realise it doesn’t, it’s probably not worth getting too stressed out by.
 * Hone your communication skills. If you know how to communicate a problem well, it will help prevent conflict from escalating, and could help solve the cause of the stress in the first place.
 * Walk away. Work out which situations you are likely to get most stressed out by. If you feel like you’re getting too angry, end the conversation, take some space, and don’t resume talking until you are calm and ready.
 * Learn to forgive. Move on from hurt, regret and anger. Whether you are angry at yourself or someone else, it doesn’t help you to hold on to negative feelings like resentment.
 * Learn how to set goals.
 * Problem-solving. Problem solving is an instrumental coping mechanism that aims to locate the source of the problem and determine solutions. This coping mechanism is often helpful in work situations – but also in personal situations.
 * Adjust expectations. Anticipating various outcomes to scenarios in life may assist in preparing for the stress associated with any given change or event.
 * Overcome negative patterns of thinking through self-talk. Self-talk can help you see things from a more positive perspective and give a huge boost to your confidence.
 * Build your optimism. Optimism involves learning to think positively about the future - even when things go wrong. That’s not to say you pretend that everything is fine when it isn’t. Instead, it’s about looking objectively at a situation, making a conscious decision to focus on the good. It can be hard to do, but if you practice, you’re likely to get better.
 * Build your gratitude. Take some of your focus away from the negative things, and take 5 minutes each day to identify 3 things which you are thankful about. If you need something stronger

You don’t have to work this stuff out on your own. Counsellors are great at helping to build and develop coping skills. They also can be good to talk to if you prefer not to talk to friends or family, or if your problems are making it hard to carry on with day to day stuff. Check out 'Finding services and professionals' for more info.

Sources for Coping Section: http://au.reachout.com/building-better-coping-skills http://www.semel.ucla.edu/dual-diagnosisprogram/News_and_Resources/How_Do_You_Cope